


Two Types Of Crushes

by deltachye



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: One Shot, Other, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 14:52:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19793188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye
Summary: [reader x koushi sugawara]there's the kind that makes your heart flutter, and the other that makes it stop completely.[DW19]





	Two Types Of Crushes

There are two types of crushes.

The first one is the easy one. It’s the casual one where you see somebody and your heart jumps a little. The one where you think “ah, they’re pretty good looking”. Or they’re funny, or smart, or something else more special than just plain old nice. It’s the little crush where you hope to see them around. Maybe you change your schedule a little bit to up the chances of bumping into them. Maybe you find yourself thinking about them a little more than usual. Talking about them more in conversations that aren’t about them. In any case, this crush is reversible. It’s just a “I’d love to get to know you better” kind of feeling. It’s nothing like the second type.

The second type of crush absolutely crushes your soul.

It’s where, suddenly, you’ve become head over heels in an all-too-uncertain love. It’s a painful, “oh shit I’m screwed” kind of fall, rather than a cute dreamy meandering like the first one. Suddenly, anything they say or do feels so important. You latch onto anything about them like starving rats searching for crumbs. When they smile at you, it feels like your guts dissolve in acid. God forbid they laugh, because then it feels like you drop out of your body and astral project on the spot. You have to train yourself not to text them every 3 seconds, because it’s got to be weird to send people so many things. But you can’t help it, since everything reminds you of them. You’re _always_ thinking about them now; it’s a constant presence. Worst of all is when they’re sad, or under the weather, or anything of that sort—because even though you’re your own person, it feels like your whole world ends just because of them.

You have the second type of crush on Koushi Sugawara.

It started as the first one, granted. The both of you were new first years to Karasuno High School. As classmates, the two of you got to spend a lot of time together. It was an organic growth of love, all too cliché. You accidentally started liking the pretty, nice boy who sits beside you. Blah blah blah. But when it passed the point of no return, you had to wrestle your feelings _every_ day. It got exhausting. Every ping of your phone might something be from him, and you could never stop yourself from panicking just to look at the screen. If it wasn’t him, the disappointment was embarrassingly immense. You were all sorts of _gone_ for Koushi. Yet, you refused to let it take a toll on your friendship. Even if you _were_ trying to deal with this crush that makes your face grow hot every time he comes close or says your name, you weren’t going to let anything come between yours and his friendship. That trumped all. In fact, you were so determined to preserve this friendship that you never ever acted on this crush. You just let it sit, and fester.

It worsens every day until graduation comes.

“So… I guess this is goodbye?”

The two of you had agreed to meet one last time. He took the train out to the city tomorrow, and tonight, you flew out to a different continent entirely. University was a time for new beginnings, but that meant saying goodbye to old endings first.

“I mean, we can still text and call?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, but the smile on his face was pained. You had learnt all of his smiles at this point, and it weighed heavily on your heart to see this one in particular. “Let’s keep in touch, [Name]. Pinky promise?”

It surprised you to hear such a childish remark—you didn’t think you’d even done a pinky promise in earnest when you were an actual child. But Koushi was serious, his finger sticking out in the warm night air for you. You hesitated, but only for a second. When he wrapped his finger around yours and bounced hands once, you actually thought you felt his soul brush up with yours. Finally, he was grinning that ear-to-ear grin.

But pinky promises can be broken.

Only one year had passed. You had tried, and he had tried, but the fact remains that college life is busy and fast and unforgiving. By the time the two of you were back home again for the summer, he seemed like an entirely different person.

This felt like real heartbreak, you thought. Worse than him rejecting your feelings, or worse than him getting into a relationship with you and then breaking up with you. That friendship you had tried so desperately to keep afloat in high school had just… fizzled out. You used to be able to talk with him about anything _forever_. Just mindless, easy chatter. But it was hard to find the words now. The silences just kept growing like chasms. It was painfully awkward. Whatever the two of you said just seemed to be like throwing words into this growing pit. It was mindless chatter, but it was hard, and just… quiet.

“Hey, can I admit something kind of embarrassing?” he suddenly blurted out, straightening his back. You were just relieved to hear him say anything at all.

“Sure…?”

“I used to have this big crush on you back in high school. Like, I actually would think about the cringiest ways to ask you out. But I never had the courage to.”

“Oh,” you gasped. “I… felt the same way...”

This was a moment you never thought would happen; _confession_. You’d imagined so many ways this would go, but never in your wildest dreams did you ever think he would say it first. You never actually believed somebody as charming and sweet as Koushi would like somebody like _you_ back. It made your heart flutter again. That first kind of crush. Hopeful.

“Right? But I guess it wasn’t the right time… which kind of sucks, you know? I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

Heartbreak. It was over before it begun.

But he was right. It was too late. Maybe back then, things could be different; maybe right now, instead of grimacing at each other, you’d be laughing and cuddling and doing all the things couples do. Or, at the very least, you’d have _some_ kind intimacy. But neither of you had acted, and now you had grown too far apart. And it was just too late to try.

Maybe there’s a third kind of crush; the romantic yearning for what could have been. The ghosts of “what ifs” that haunt forever. In a way, this third one hurt most of all, because you _knew_ he had liked you. You _knew_ it could have worked, if only somebody had said something sooner. But nobody had. So now you know that you and Koushi could not and would not ever happen.

You wish you hadn’t fallen in love at all.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: https://deltachye.tumblr.com/  
> art: ig @ actuallynonsense


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